warning...misery and whining ahead.

Matt's deployment seemed to take all day....but not long enough. It's this horrible feeling that I've struggled with for about two weeks now. The feeling that we didn't do enough, that we didn't make enough memories, that I'll forget or something. I don't know. Depression probably.

I'm just tired of this Army crap. I just want my husband to quit leaving every other year. I know I signed up for this and that I should complain, but I just can't seem to wrap my head around yet another year. Isn't time supposed to go faster when you get older? I don't know but a year just seems interminable right now. I can't even think about it.

All the things that I said, "Oh, I'll do that when he leaves to keep myself busy." are falling to the wayside. I just don't care. I don't feel the desire to fix our home up if he won't be here to share it with me. Heck, I can barely motivate myself to get my son clean clothes to wear to school. I just don't want to do it right now. In fact the kids are eating cereal for dinner....

I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning or after a good cry.(thanks A.btw) but right now I just want to wallow in my misery. I'm not really scared about him not coming home although with the number of friends I have who thought the same thing and never saw them again should change my mind. I know he is fairly safe but it just hurts to have him leave. He is my best friend. Having him leave just hurts.

Connor has struggled with the kids at school doing the "You're not my best friend anymore and I'm not going to play with you." thing and I see how he hurts. It's like that....but a million times harder. Matt is my best friend and he's not going to play with me for a whole year.

This was supposed to be a blog about the farewell and how we sat outside most of the time and had a lot more time than I expected. We got to see him get on the bus and wave. I had a friend who was working crowd control go up to the bus and snap one more picture of him. These are all good things but it seems that I can't concentrate on them because I can only think about how he is leaving for ports unknown (yeah, still no offical determination of where they will actually be IN Iraq.) and how much I will miss being with him.

But that said, I'm sure that I'll be fine. I always am. He gave us all a blessing and in it reminded me of how I'm always stronger than my fear. I know it's true, but right now going back to school, working on the garden, cleaning the house, even going to work all seem too much to bear. I'd just go to bed, but I don't want to have to make the bed alone or pick his pajamas up. sigh.