I have noticed that I blog when I am happy. When I'm depressed or not feeling well, it's just too hard.
You may have noticed my blog happy streak ended this week. I don't know what happened but this week felt as though it was a great black spiral....
I could literally feel the walls closing in and everything getting dimmer. I could feel it happening, feel myself sliding into depression and nothing I did was helping. The thought that I was slipping back into my previous cycle of depression was in and of itself....depressing. Not helping at all.
I tried to avoid my typical response of curling into a lump on the couch. I went out. I took Maddy to gymnastics. Nothing helped. All I wanted to do was cry, but not really cry....just melt and be miserable. I felt like I could barely hold a conversation and not guve up and walk away.
I quit cleaning. I didn't do laundry for 4 days.
And then...suddenly the sun came out. No reason. I could see again. I noticed how cute my kids are. It was like someone flipped a lightswitch on.
Now if I could just figure out how it happened and switch it myself. Nothing scares me more than getting lost in depression again. I spent a large chunk of my childhood, teenage years etc in a black fog. I don't have a lot of happy memories, or any memories for that matter (another long story there) Shortly after marrying Matt, my life changed. I was happy for the first time in my life.
But there have still been very low points, marked with an unreasonable lingering depression. Post partum was a problem too. I've noticed a trend in the cycle. Lack of sleep is a major factor. Simply resting enough isn't going to pull me out although lack of it might make it worse.
So I guess this is a statement of acceptance. Life sucks. Sometimes I get sucked into the suck and sometimes I don't. No reason or explaination. I just have to hope it doesn't happen again.
Glad to see you cheering up, Dana. It's good to 'see' you again!
ReplyDeleteWow, I'm so sorry you have to go through that. It sounds just horrible... especially since you can feel yourself falling, but you don't know why, or how to prevent it from happening. Depression runs in my family. I've seen all those symptoms in my dearest loved ones. It's also hard to love someone with depression and to have no clue how to help them. Well, I'm so glad you're feeling better now. :)
ReplyDeleteI can so relate. I struggled a LOT during my last pregnancy and after my baby was born. I had some very VERY low times. And then things started to be better. And it seemed as if the depression just worked itself out or something. But I can feel it creeping back in little by little lately. I've been in my own blogging funk because of it. I can't be witty when I'm depressed and I felt like I had written enough depressing posts so I just didn't post at all.
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew the answer! I'm so afraid of it getting as bad as it was before. And then the worrying about it getting bad just makes it worse!
I've started exercising everyday because that is supposed to help. But I've been disappointed, feeling it's not helping as much as I'd like it to.
AG!!! It's a vicious cycle. Some days I think I really should get professional help instead of just muddling through. But I haven't yet. It's so hard to ask for help, you know?